Author: Jacques René Zammit

The best time for a round-up on the goings on in an electoral campaign is always on a Monday. That’s because the different candidates will have been busy spraying their wise thoughts and marking their territories with the electorate. It’s no different on the little island where the long-weekend was the right excuse for campaigns to get into second-gear.

Nominations

Firstly, the bureaucracy. The Electoral Commission has begun accepting nominations so we can now expect a daily update on the candidates who have officially registered their intention to contest. This is a second opportunity to inform the electorate of their intention – the first having been the pompous and colourful announcements of their respective parties. Until now the biggest surprise has been the submission of a nomination by far-right group leader Norman Lowell.  

Norman Lowell was recently condemned to a two-year jail sentence (suspended for four years) although recent amendments to the electoral register might still allow the Imperium Europa chief to contest the election.

This article and accompanying Bertoon appeared in today’s Malta Independent on Sunday.

It is now official: every animal involved or committed to giving you an English breakfast is (or has been) implicated at one time or another in the last decade with a pandemic-threatening disease. First we had the bovine spongiform encelopathy, known commonly as the mad cow disease. Beef based bangers and steak exited from the scene and the breakfast was reduced to simple eggs and bacon. The conspiracy did not stop there – 2003 brought us severe acute respiratory syndrome or SARS.

You did not need two adjectives to know that the chicken thing was bad. Whether you liked them sunny-side up, twice fried or poached, even the eggs had to exit the scenario for a little time and the pretty contribution of the sweet two legged suppliers of a staple protein diet had to be cautiously avoided. Now we have the pigs spitting in the face of Orwell and his Animal Farm. I wonder what Napoleon (the pig, not the frog) would make of this indiscriminate virus that knows no preference between the porkies and homo sapiens. “Four legs good, two legs suit me fine” must be the motto of the virus strain of the type H1N1.

So you see – even your bacon ain’t safe. Or at least it would not be if there were any danger that you could get this virus from food. It would be easier to contain it if were so, but instead this virus is as slyly adaptable as a PLPN electoral unit and does not go for an attack through ingestion. What our swine influenza virus (although you cannot call it that anymore thanks to WHO) favours are epithelial cells in your nose, throat and lungs. Hence the bastard, like an expat’s vote, travels via the air that you breathe. In short you can only hope that no ill wind is blowing in your direction.

But despair not. Foodwise, carnivores are still left with panoply of flesh with which to make a feast. First and foremost come our woolly friends baa-baaing away with wanton abandon. Hooray for sheep and hooray for lamb. Don’t forget the ever so friendly and non-influenza carrying turkeys and boars and deer. Above all, don’t forget that even pork itself is not dangerous and that if well cooked it can still form part of a scrumptious carnivorous diet (especially when marinated in honey, pineapple juice, soy sauce and ginger).

Veronica Lario, wife of Italy’s Premier Silvio Berlusconi, has announced her intention to divorce from her husband. Her business I guess. She seems to have had enough of the antics of her donnaiolo husband – last of which involved putting veline on the electoral lists for the European Parliament in order to garner those extra votes. Berlusconi’s timid reply to Veronica’s anger to the Lista della Coscia does not seem to have sufficed and the wife of the Italian Media Magnate has decided to call it a day. Ironically, the wife of the leader of one of the major partners of the Nationalist Party in the European Popular Party can divorce. Divorce is actually no problem for most its partners in the PPE – actually you would be hard put to find member parties of the PPE who do have a problem with it.

“Kemm hi tajba ta’ Pooh”. J’accuse and Bertu of Bertoons Fame discuss next Sunday’s toon over the internet. The conversation has been edited. Get your Malta Independent on Sunday to discover what Bertu decides to draw in the end. Warning: the conversation foes not necessarily reflect the end product.

me:  int hemm?
 Bertu:  iva
mort nistrieh siegha u ergajt gejt
 me:  ghandi erba ideat
kolllha jinvolvu hniezer
 Bertu: :)
 me:  wahda bil-hniezer itiru stile Magritte
 Bertu:  three little pigs
 me:  Forget If Pigs can fly… time to worry about the Pig’s (that) “Flu”
 Bertu:  lol

J’accuse provides a quick diagnosis*. Just look straight into the monitor and click HERE.

* Warning: The test is provided for entertainment purposes only and is not proven to be reliable.

Just received this month’s edition of The Discworld Monthly – a fanzine of all things Pratchett. It seems that the master’s latest book “Unseen Academicals” will soon see the light of day. There is also another story in the making and it is called “I Shall Wear Midnight” which according to Terry “will, in theory, begin immediately, but will probably be held up by the necessity to tidy up the  office so we can at least find the kitchen.  And the floor.”

Also on The Discworld Monthly I discovered that Terry has been quoted on the series Criminal Minds when one character says: ” “They say light is the fastest thing in the universe, but are  wrong, darkness is always there first” – one of Terry’s great quotables.

The highlight of this month’s mag must be Terry’s signing off paragraph.